Riding without wheels

There I was standing on the corner of a busy intersection *my life*. All around me was a fast buzz of people and the swift motion of them around me made me tap my feet in nervousness. All I could see is the blur of the things that pass me by. I look around trying to focus but too much was happening around me that I couldn't focus on any one thing. The intensity of the mass motion about me changed my mood from calm, cool and collective to outrageously confused in what direction I was traveling.

THEN I realized, this is My world, I must take hold. I must hold to my heart for it is mine and not meant to be carelessly given away. I must hold to my mood, because it is MY mood and should always be the most cheerful and giving. I must hold my temper, because again its mine and if I can't hold onto it then who shall? I am in control of ME and can't let the ideas, moods, and inabilities of others frustrate me or affect/effect who I am and how I greet the world.

So? I decided...
~Be rude to me if you like...I'm going to be nice.
~Get angry if you wish...I'm going to be calm.
~ Forget me or forget me not...I'll never forget you.
~I forgive you...No matter what you have said or done to me.

I'm going to be rational when rationality calls and irrational every chance I get. I'm going to live free and die fighting. I'm going to walk thru this life guns a blazing and pushing myself as far as and as hard as I can. I'm going to experience every breath of life to the fullest without letting YOU hold me back or hold me down. Most importantly I'm going to live. I'm not going to keep standing on that corner watching as the world blows by me. I'm going to take hold on the buzz around me. Disguarding the unnecessary things that add no positive character to my life. I'm going to set free some things that I have been holding onto. I'm goign to start being fair to myself as its about time. I'm going to be ME, instead of what YOU think I should be.

I refuse to fit in your box with your other small ideas. I refuse to let you disturb or manipulate who I am anymore. I'm setting myself free from the stumbling block that you have been to me far too long. You will not win against me anymore, I'm stronger now. Where my fear once held me down, I'm courageous now.

Life come at me all you want, I won't be defeated and even if you knock me down. I won't give up again. I'm in control of ME.

Are you in control of you?

Living a Short Life

Honestly, I dont kno if more than a handful of people read my blog anymore. I hope that it still reaches out to that one lost/hurting soul that just needs a push in the right direction. My life is a testimony of the grace of God as yours is. I hope that each time I write my testimony touches your heart and leaves you feeling a sense of belonging.

We are all strangers in this land. Strangers to this life. Some of us are more odd than others. While some of us have purposes that reach beyond our own imagination. Some fight to live and some beg to die. Some of us strive to be the same, while the rest of us strive to be different. We live this life in motion. Always moving forward towards the next day the next moment and the next milestone in our life.

We face struggles of epic proportion sometimes. We fight monsters bigger than us and win battles we never thought we could. It is there by the grace of God that we are granted his strength to push thru.

Sometimes we feel like we are standing without motion, as life briskly passes us by. We don't think we'll make it one more day, yet somehow the morning still comes. Sometimes we feel like we want to hold on to a moment forever, but the moment quickly becomes just a memory. It is our memories that keep us in the lonely times. It is our sweet memories that hold our hearts when we want to cry. It is our memories that cause to strive harder, push farther, and sometimes its our memories that hurt us the most.

We are all strangers on this land as I said before. Just wandering souls waiting for the end of life so our souls can go to a place far beyond this one. Our lives are like vapors, so short in the grand aspect of things. We can't live from generation to generations hundreds of years, we only exist for such a short time. This life we are given, while so short as its often said, is truly a gift. Even when we fight to live most of our lives, its a gift because we are stronger with each new fight and each new mountain to climb.

We must cherish and adore each moment we live, forgetting the bad, holding on to the sweet. For we know not which moment life shall whisk us away or at which moment those we love most dearly shall stand beyond our reach. Even then our souls feel tortured by the absense that was once filled, but the hope is one day we again will be with the one that we love.

This life is so short, so delicate and so difficult, but we must enjoy each beautiful moment we have. For we are not promised one more moment. I want to look at my life at the end and say, "wow, I had a beautiful life". We must forgive those that hurt us, look past the difficult and see the beautiful. Dwell not on the past but look with hope to the moment we are in. Every moment is so beautiful and we can not in this life let even one moment pass us by. For if a moment slips thru our hands, we'll never get it back again.

Enjoy life...forgive, forget and move on. Love like you never hurt, dance like no one can see, live with all ur might, and dont forget to sing. Thanks for reading :)

Love defined

We desperately search all our lives for something. Some search for fame, others fortune, and of course there are those of us that desperately search for our one true love. Some would say it is believed that true love is only a chemistry match. Other believe that true love is simply a match of two people who share some common grounds that spend a certain amount of time together and are found compatible. Some doubt the existance of real love, true love, or any love at all. Yet somewhere they have a small hope that one day love will brush by them and captivate them completely.

Love has no boundaries. No lines, no rules, no preducies, and no limits. It's the one thing in life (outside of God) that has no limitations except as far as one allows. You can not love someone unless you allow yourself. Sometimes we don't allow others to love us and they do. Sometimes we are fortunate and many love us or perhaps more fortunate to find only one person that truly loves us. Either way love is what our lives hunger for even if we hate to admit it.

There are 3 loves in life that have no definition. That truly can not be defined by any amount of words that are labled on any page of any book in any time since the beginning til the end of time. True love, Mother's love, and God's Love . These three loves are unconditional and without waiver. True love is the most rare. God's love is existant even if we dont love him back. God loves us no matter what we do or don't do, how we live or don't live...no matter what God loves us.

THEN Mother's love... a true mother, loves her child no matter what that child does. No matter what that child becomes a real mother loves and supports that child thru all their lives and all their decisions. (It seems that in this day and time of life...this kind of love is becoming sooo rare.) THEN last there's TRUE LOVE. Something we grow up as children thinking and dreaming about. Even as young as our imaginations develop we hunger and hope and search for true love. But so many people don't find that true love as soon as they hope so they give up hope, believe or search for. OR perhaps they are like me.. Some people truly search for it all their lives. Hunger for it. CRAVE it like someone craves their favorite snack. Anxiously looking from side to side from face to face and one day grows tired of looking.

In this life, I have learned 2 things. 1 - Put God first and he will give you the desires of your heart. Even his word tells us this - Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. and 2 - True love is real.

Since a child I've despearately longed to be Cinderella. To find the man of my dreams waiting for me as I did for him. I searched and searched and only found a handful of brokenness and a broken heart. I one day put aside the hope of true love and settled for the next best thing (or so I thought) comfortable love. Sadly even this leads to the same place. Then thru so much heart ache I learned that no one can love us like God loves us and once we accept God as our love. We can find that human love that we so desperately long for.

Maybe I'm rushing (which is something I'm quite known for) and maybe I'm not. But for the first time I believe that I am loved in the exact way I always wanted to be loved. Sometimes the words aren't there, but they are not necessary. Things we never thought we'd see, we do. Things we never thought we feel, exist. After all that dreaming we did for so long, it seems perfectly worthwhile. Something so beautiful does exist. Beyond this life I kno there is that someone who loves me in the way that I need.

This by no means discredits anyone who loves another with all of their might. Nor does it make their love less valuable or meaningful. But truly it is so rare to find a love that loves you in the way that you need to be loved.

With love comes heartache and with heart ache comes love. One thing that is for sure a bird can not be with a fish it is said. For a fish belongs in the sea and the bird in the air. But for 2 to be together, a fish must find a fish and a bird a bird. I hope my dearest friend(s), that you find that fish that is looking for you.Someone that knows which way you like to swim and understands your needs. Someone that holds your hand and gives you everything. I believe I have found a bird that knows my call. He knows which way I fly without telling him and he knows which song to sing. Though the story is sad but true no matter what in the end a bird must fly and a fish must swim and they can not exist in the same place. Out there somewhere is your fish waiting so desperately for you.

Waiting on YOU

Whirlwinds of desperation, moments of great inspiration, looking around at the devastion knocking at my door.

There are moments in time that I forget to 'Just Breathe'. There are things I want that seem to dangle just beyond my reach and I struggle to reach it. I only discover that it will always be just beyond my hands. In all things, there is a time...an exact time when things we want come into reach. Its just waiting for that moment that seems so difficult. I am most patient on so many things but waiting for you...seems like the longest wait of my life. It seems like the whole world is moving at super sonic slow speed and I am watching it all go by.

What more can I say? I KNO that I must wait and for you I will wait forevermore if it is necessary. I"ll wait til life stops and the air I can no longer breathe. I will wait on you til time ceises to exist and there is nevermore a moment of time. Even then I shall wait for you longer.

For to me, you are my very love. The love of life in me that I ceize to only long for and IF waiting is what I must do...then my darling.. FOREVER i shall wait for you. I shall wait til life brings you home. Home to my arms and to my love. Whatever it may take, however long I must wait...for you I shall wait forevermore if I must. For YOU, YOU ARE MY VERY LOVE.

Talk about a blessing

Sunday!! WOW!! What a day!...

A few weeks ago my pastor said something to me. To me, it sounded harsh and reminded me that there would be more hard times ahead. I had been praying for a solution and instead I got a statement that told me there was more difficulties to come. With these words, also, came some comfort that one day I will have become the person God wanted me to be. So, for almost 2 weeks now, I've been struggling with myself to be that better person. I've been trying to pray more, and study more. To work more on being kind and showing the love of God in every thing that I do. It's certainly not an easy task.

Then came Sunday. What a morning indeed, seems it was like any other day infact. I dressed Elizabeth and for the first time sat and curled her hair which took much longer than I expected it to. Once dressed we hurried to church to make it exactly on time (which is just before the praise singers stand in their places). The service was wonderful, but I still felt bogged down by the words that still lingered in my ears from two weeks prior. I claimed victory that morning against the struggles of my life. Then Sunday afternoon came...somethings begin to occur which began to frustrate me. Instead of allowing the frustration to rule in my moment, I went to the corner where no one was and began to pray. The more I prayed the more I surrendered over to him and the more free I became from my struggles. For the first time, since I came to the Lord, I felt like a new person when I was done praying.

Naturally some of my struggles are still there...as it is still life and still place for God to perfect me and make me into that person he has designed for me to be. Yet, this experience helped me to understand that his grace and mercy sometimes comes in small waves and sometimes tidal waves, but it comes just when we need it the most.

A View of Tough Love

If you've talked to me for even 5 mins, you'll hear me talking about the Youth from our church. They are such a wonderful group of kids and I'm so thankful to be apart of their lives. I have the wonderful experience of watching them grow...grow into young adults and grow in God. That truly is a remarkable experience. It's like watching my very own children, grow. That too is an experience that should never be passed by. Watching them learn and wanting to hold their hand everyday so they don't fall. Yet, sometimes you gotta let them walk their own, make their own mistakes and seek God for direction. Never wandering too far but waiting for them to come back to you.

I think God must feel like this sometimes. We walk our own ways sometimes. Going whichever way we think we should. Despite the pain it is to watch us fall and hurt ourselves and makes mistakes, he lets us experience that. So when we realize our faults we can turn to him for his mercy once more. It's not until you are a parent or help raise someone that you begin to understand what "tough love" really means. I think God has a lot of these "tough love" experiences. It reminds me again of how Big God really is. He is so big and so strong and so mighty...that when so many of the children he created walk away and cause him pain from walking on their own...he still in that moment despite his anquish is forgiving and strong enough to hold to everyone else and watch patiently as those that wander off and come back to him.

Everyday... I look around and each experience I have that he has strength or comfort for it reminds me more and more how strong and might MY GOD is. I dont ever want to be caught up in life so much that I forget that the things I go thru and the pray, God answer those prayers not just for me but for millions of other ppl and still has the strength to make it one more day without growing weary. MY God really is Awesome.

A lil chatter.

January is here... A New Year has arrived....

I don't kno if most of you kno or not...but this is my 2nd/3rd blog site that I use. I use Facebook for my major blogging because it reaches more ppl. This week I talked about taking this year and ACT NOW. How we aren't promised tomorrow that we only have this moment to do the things that we want to do.

I'm going to add the other blog that I posted to this site... I think its good enough to share w/ everyone and I'll even post it on my other blog pages.

Last night service was great. Infact this week of services have been so incredible I really can't explain to you how much these last few services w/ God have changed my life. I'm going to follow my blog and ACT now.

Things here are going well. I'm taking my sister back to her house tonight. Over the holiday's I got to see all of my family....except the Keaster's and I'm going to see them tomorrow. I kno they will be glad to see my babies.

I dont think many ppl read this blog and I really dont care....It's a place where I can log my life and one day if my life is ever of any importance to others...They can look here and maybe see a lil bit of guidance in my writing and in my work.

This has been a good year but I kno that 2009 is going to be MUCH better. THANK YOU JESUS.

Christmas

Merry Christmas.

I wasn't expecting to be able to see my family this year. After almost 5 Christmas alone, I was dreading this one. While having my immediate family is always a great blessing, I was sure missing the rest of my family.

Well Thursday afternoon I couldn't take it anyone. I decided that I was going. It was only 9 hr drive I could make it in one night. So? I packed my stuff and my kids into the car and drove all the way. Arriving @ my Grandmother's house @ 315 in the morning. What a nice blessing it was to see my family after all this long time. It was nice to feel their warming embrace and feel the love I had been missing out on the last 4 years.

As face changes and life moves on, I expected some things to be different. It turned out more things were different than I had anticipated. Faces had changed and so had so many places. My kid sis (Tiffany) I think did the most changing. She's grown so much and time really has a way of changing a baby face into something more grown. I was so Happy to see her and I know she was equally excited to see me.

After 4 years of quiet Christmas, I feel forever thankful for this Christmas and the time I'm getting to share w/ my family.

Merry Christmas.